Sunday, March 1, 2009

If you're reading this then you probably know me. If you know me then you probably know I'm afraid of mullets. Like...actually afraid. There's something about that particular hair style that freaks me out. I get my hair trimmed just in the back sometimes for fear of one sneaking up on me when I'm not looking. No joke.

It's wise to know your enemy. That's why over the years I've developed a keen understanding of all things mullet-related. There's a crazy assortment of mullets that sneak around, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting observers.

Here's the first one:
Figure 1.
Call it the Medieval Mullet...the Medullet/Mulleteval. For some reason that shit was considered classy. It's not as extreme as other variations, but the fact that it's accompanied by a badass horse and armor makes it a strong offense. What a waste of sweet fucking shit.

Tainting your Renaissance scalp with a Mulleteval should have been punishable by a fierce lashing, or chopping off the hands of the barber at the least.

The second offense...
Figure 2.
This one doesn't even need explaining. What the fuck dude. The primary style that all Mullet-o-phobics fear. The hillbilly mullet. No special name for this one. It's just a mullet. An ugly ass mullet. For some reason this style never seems to come with a shirt.

Numero Tres...
Figure 3.
The skullet (aka the Hulk Hogan). An advancement of the straight mullet, the skullet is the old hillbilly's delight. Once they start going bald, the skull gets shinier and the mullet gets even sloppier.

The fourth agression...
Figure 4.
The mohawk mullet (or Mohican). I call it the Mohullet. Looks wicked on a Native American. Not so much on everyday citizens. Gross. Choose one hairstyle -- the mohawk or the mullet. ...Please choose the mohawk.

There's a whole list of other mullet variations, but those were some of my favorites. Now I've got just one more. This is the one that inspired this post. It's a new variation that I've never seen before tonight. It's a serious offense against my eyes. I now present to you this travesty...

(Scroll down...)


The Afro-Mullet (aka Frollet)...
Figure 5.
Why, Kanye? WHY???? How could you unleash such a brutally disturbing style on a nation of easily-influenced teens and tweens who will undoubtedly mimic your every move and purchase? The bowtie is cool. But the frollet? Aw, hell no. You've successfully recharged my nightmares by providing me with this unspeakably evil image to ponder.

If you caught Kanye on the VH1 Storytellers Series, it was definitely a show worth checking out. Despite his occassional arrogance (which is expected) and the unveiling of this highly-developed and potent strand of mullet (which he sort of hints at in his latest video Welcome to Heartbreak but doesn't fully reveal) his performance was for sure entertaining. I've got an audio version of the whole thing if you wanna check it out. Just hit me up.

Still. How the hell am I gonna develop a cure for this travesty before it spreads? I guess we're all doomed. Doomed!



OcTaViUs said...



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